Celebrity Dancing on Andrew Lloyd Webber’s Kitchen Star Talent Academy Factor

My gods, British television really is scraping the fucking barrel. As I write this, on one channel there is an amateur choir contest, and on another there’s a karaoke contest that we’re supposed to believe is somehow different to all the other televised musical contents. And the sick thing is that people are actually being paid to come up with this shit. Actual people.

This got me thinking. I’m actual people, why can’t I come up with reality TV concepts? So here’s my proposal for a new Channel 4 smash hit.

It’s called The Room. Basically, you take a number of people, and you place them each in a small white windowless room, with only a bed, a chair and a sink. You keep them locked in this room for up to a month. There are cameras in the walls. The subject is provided with food and water, but they are deprived of human contact, and kept unaware of time and date. After several days, the “contestant” is given a book to read, however, two thirds of the way through the book, the words have been jumbled.

From this point on, small tortures are introduced, loud sudden sounds played during sleep. lights switching on and off randomly. The trick is that the contestant can leave at any time after one week, simply by asking. The winner of the cash prize is the last person to admit defeat, everyone else wins nothing.

The idea is that in their loneliness, people will start to talk to themselves, start to break down psychologically, all the while knowing that their state is self-inflicted. Even better, the celebrity version, taking these highly strung people and forcing them into isolation for the inevitable troubled career ending/reviving meltdown. Not exactly your usual TV entertainment. In fact, now that I think about it, you don’t even need the TV. Or consenting participants… All hail the Fourth Reich.

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